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If A Man Says He Is Not Ready For A Relationship, Why Do We As Women Continue To Push Them?

As women, we ask for a man to come correct or don’t come at all. We tell them you don’t have to have it all together but throw tantrums when they tell us they’re working on ourselves…

Earlier this month, I picked up the November issue of GQ magazine. Typically, I don’t buy magazines but when I saw the tall, piece of butterscotch smoothness that was Michael B. Jordan, gracing the cover I had to claim him, even if it was only paper. During the interview his dating life was brought up, which he says is little to non-existent.

” I don’t even know how you’re going to write this. I’m so nervous even talking like this,” the 31-year-old admitted. “I’m very mature and advanced in a lot of areas of life. Dating may not be one of ’em. My personal life is not. I don’t really know what dating is.”

Michael is the  type of guy that you can meet at a bar or hit a movie with and would be just fine. Then there are the paparazzi. And the plague of social media would catch on and soon the groupies of  #TeamMichaelBJordan. People are going to want to know who this woman is, her life story and weave type.

”So now, how do you go anywhere normal, chill, just getting to know somebody that you just met, that you may not—may or may not—hit it off at all,” he says.  “That part of dating is tough.”

The Creed II star prefers to keep “trying to work on myself and build this empire.”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – NOVEMBER 14: Michael B. Jordan attends “Creed II” New York Premiere at AMC Loews Lincoln Square on November 14, 2018, in New York City. (Photo by John Lamparski/Getty Images)

Believe it or not, there are plenty of men like Jordan who think just like this. How many of us have been in relationships where we’re blamed for being the nagger? We complained about our man not giving us enough time and attention or putting enough effort in our relationship period. I had a relationship like this, and he would explain to me that he’s doing the best he could in his situation. Although he loved me, his number one priority was not me. In the top 5 list, I was perhaps #4, behind career advancement, financial stability and future educational goals ( i.e., going to graduate school). And when you factor in his individual goals such as traveling, spiritual and mental growth, I was pushed back to #5.

Yet I still wanted our relationship to work. I told myself I could be there for him as he tackles these individual tasks, despite the fact that he continued to show me all of the signs that he was not ready for the type of commitment I wanted. Despite the time we have dedicated to our relationship, conversations about our future, specifically topics such as marriage, would turn into arguments.  I would be told to “chill” and “why can’t we take it one day at a time.”

Men tend not to feel they could give their all in a relationship unless they have their lives together first. Jordan touched on this subject in a 2016 interview with GQ.

Photo Credit: 123rf

“I’m pretty sure the women won’t say that’s good, but for me it’s like I can’t have any regrets and I have to know that I gave everything I had to making my family okay,” he said.  “At the end of the day, that’s all that matters to me are my family, bro. I come from nothing, so it’s like my family, they came with me. That’s all I care about. Couldn’t give a f**k less about anything else. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother—they’re good, I’m good. They’re not good; I’m not good. I put everything I had into everything, so once they’re good, I can start living a little. My mid-thirties I can live a little. And I’m so okay with that. I’m cool with that.”

He continued, “[Females] They want what they want, I tell them what I want. It doesn’t quite work out that well. That’s why I’m by myself.”

“I understand what females want and need, you know,” he added.  “I’m good at that. I don’t know if I’m the guy to give it to them right now. I’m emotionally unavailable. Until I find something that’s so undeniable that I can’t help myself. Other than that, I need to work on making sure my mom is okay. That’s all I care about, honestly. Females, they come and go.”

Photo Credit: 123rf

It was not until I started to focus on myself that I began to understand where my ex-boyfriend was coming from. For the type of relationship I wanted, and we both deserved, there was no way he could be my shade if he didn’t have the roots to grow a tree from in the first place. And vice-versa. Relationships, real relationships, require time, energy and effort. And when a man is not in a place to effectively provide that, it could lead to toxicity, arguments, fighting and if you press the situation and stay in the relationship, divorce.

Truth is a man will tell you anything you want to know on the first go around; it’s just up to us as  woman to take his word or not. As women, we want to move a man on our clock without understanding that a man will move when he’s ready. So don’t push him. Instead, take the time to work on yourself and fulfill your own goals. Date, learn about what you like in a partner and don’t like, learn about yourself and your flaws. Because it’s not all them ladies, it could be us too. And when the time comes to sit at the table, you can come complete with a dish and so will he.

And who knows, you may end up right back with who you started with, but this time you too will be ready for each other.

 

By Alexia McKay
Twitter: @alexiamckayprod